There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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