I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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