Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
