Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize