We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
smell my finger.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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