You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
