You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize