My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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