capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
