Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Text me some of your sweat
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
