I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
