So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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