I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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