Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
