He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
