I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She bit a glass in half.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
