so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
