She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize