Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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