Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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