You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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