I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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