need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We need to get me chipped asap
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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