Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
