i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize