"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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