if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
