Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
