I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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