i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
