I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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