I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
