All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
A bitchslap is in order.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize