My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
