my vag is so smooth its legendary
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
