why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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