last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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