I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
