If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
