I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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