Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize