So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize