Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
