So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
