Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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