Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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