my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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