think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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