Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
