She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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