five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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