So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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