Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
