I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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