toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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